Have you ever ran track before? As a sprinter? Do you recall having block training, where you would learn how to properly fire out of the blocks for maximum effect? If done correctly, you can gain an insurmountable advantage. If overdone, you can find yourself trying to keep yourself upright as your legs struggle to keep up with your forward momentum, and you eventually fall. If underdone, you can get smoked. Those runners, or in this case life, pass you by.

After graduating last year, I’ve been in block training ever since. Each day is a new time on the starting line, some going alright and some going….well. My life since last May has consisted of trying to find the balance between who I am, who I want to be and who I can be. Finding the right mix here is a lot more difficult than I could have ever imagined. Some days I wake up and rock out my goals. Other days, I fail miserably. What I need to get better at, and I have, is not blaming myself for the days that go poorly. I had a really hard time letting go of the idea that I simply wasn’t doing things well enough, fast enough. The truth is that for now I’m not the same guy, and that old T.J. inside of me is just gonna have to wait a bit longer to be free again. 

My health in the past three months has been pretty stable, particularly my breathing episodes. Although I still have some radically bad moments, for the most part I have been able to gain confidence in my ability to expand my chest for air. I have a great routine going on with my visits to the hospital every day and going to see specialists. They are the true magicians of this process.

However, with my last infusion of Rituxan being in November, 2016 I’m facing a wind down of my current stability likely within the next month or two leading up to the next infusion in May. I have to reach out to my doctors to find out the next best course of action, knowing that in the past my hourglass has run out in the fifth month, not quite making it to the sixth.

I’m not sure what the plans are for how to deal with this lull period every time. The last couple of times I was taken in as an inpatient for a week or more in order to get the meds I needed to make it to the next infusion date. I don’t think it’s possible to get the infusion every five months due to toxicity. Whatever the case is, we’ll make it work. The important thing is that a routine is starting to come into focus, and this new baseline for life will allow me better footing on the upcoming things I want to accomplish.

Show up to practice every day, lace up the spikes, get into the blocks. Eventually I’m going to hit just the right mix of power and balance.