A few weeks ago I had an appointment with my neurologist in Kansas City. She found something known as a clonus in my left ankle. During the tests where doctors hit you with a small hammer for reflexes, a clonus is an ‘overreactive’ reaction, where you jerk multiple times instead of once. Apparently this is a sign of spinal lesions (tumors) and so I needed to go in for an MRI of both the lumbar and thoracic regions of the spine.

While I do have some signs of degenerative discs in my lower back, I do NOT have tumors. I find it interesting that when you have a chronic disorder, there seems to come a time when you stop worrying so much about what comes next. I wasn’t necessarily bothered by the prospect of another tumor, I was more agitated that it would involve another surgery, recovery and rehab period.

In some ways, the lack of anxiety is a good thing. On the other hand, I fear that it means I am accepting my current situation as the new normal. Sometimes I’m guilty of being stubborn to try new treatments or assistance devices because I don’t want to lose my illusion of normal.

I’ll do everything in my power to make this period of life the exception, not the rule.